bitter-sweet times, but mostly sweet!

We are still walking the bitter-sweet line, trying to understand and go along with God's plan for us. Yes we are soo excited and can not wait to get to know this little one more, and yet there are times when my heart drops when I think about the "whys" .. why did He allow us to get pregnant now when we were so "close" to our adoption? why does the only program that seems to require us to go on hold for so long have to be Colombia? why is is that He allowed us to pregnant when we were ok with not going down that path right now? why does He allow us to get pregnant now, when we weren't even trying, when there are so many others who are desperately praying for a child? (oh how my heart breaks for those who face that battle: I don't think I even know half the pain or tears, our journey only touched that pain so slightly...)

As this little bump grows and I feel like I am slowly transitioning out of the "does that girl have a little beer gut or is she pregnant" stage, it is slowly becoming real what is actually taking place! (as if the toilet hugging didnt- to which i must note that every time i was sick, I said a little prayer thanking God!) As a first time parent-to-be, I am obsessed with the little updates I receive in my email each week/per the baby center app on my phone: "your baby is the size of a fig!" (what is that?!) or "This week, even though your baby's eyelids are still fused shut, he or she can sense light"!

Life is such a miracle! The idea that this child's features and growth are "just happening" doesn't make sense to me. Sure, there are these scientific stages and reasons for what is happening, but at some point science can't answer every question or have a reason for everything. And the idea that you and I both started out as something so minute and small, and we evolve and grow - mind boggling!

One moment I am thinking how amazing it all is, and the next I fall into sheer terror as I remember that Nate and I will be responsible for our children's every need, that every decision we make (for the short and long term) will affect them. That is about the time when I start facebook stalking people's pictures of their newborn babies or the pictures of their little ones doing something cute, and I remember it is all worth it and it will all be ok :)