Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Waiting, Waiting

How often can you give an update that "we are still waiting" :)

We recently completed an updated home study (our 4th), paid some more fees (I am not even bothering to keep track anymore), finalized our transfer to our new agency, updated immigration paperwork, got fingerprinted for the 4th time, and Nate renewed his passport since it was set to expire this year.

I will just share my thoughts on part of a conversation with someone at our new agency:
"Now that you have your daughter, have your feelings about adoption changed, and are you still dedicated to it?"
I wanted to scream in to the phone how the idea of this adoption hurts more than ever and my heart aches to hold,comfort,love, and hopefully be loved, by this new child.
That the wait is agonizing.
That experiencing the birth and bond with our daughter made me realize how much a birthmother is sacrificing.
That after realizing how quickly we bonded, the idea of someone else raising my daughter made me crumble. The idea of how traumatized she would be wondering where her mom was: and yet knowing that our adoptive child would have gone through exactly that.
That at every stage of our daughter's life, I have compared and thought about another child going through their life with no family, hitting those milestones with nobody there who really appreciated and loved them.
That on the many nights I sneak in to my daughter's room and watch her sleep, a part of me slips away to an orphanage somewhere: imaging a child sleeping with nobody bothering to check on them.
That every time she has cried for me when I left the room, I could tell her that I was coming back: and literally every time I spoke those words of assurance, I would grieve for the child whose parent didn't come back.

The blessing of our daughter is so much more than just the joy of having her in our family: it has given me a whole new perspective of adoption. So now, more than ever, do I want to wrap my arms around a little one and be able to tell them "mama's here".

please pray that our adoption will continue to move along - our new agency is warning us that there is a possibility that colombia may yet make us go on hold (we were supposed to when our daughter was born, and didn't even though we reported it) if we do not go on hold : there is a chance we could see a referral this year. God, may it be, but may we have patience to wait if that is your plan.