God is bigger than the NUMBER

Recently we learned we were #776 on the wait list (we were #927 on July 3). 

There is an estimate that we have another two years to wait for our Colombian bundle- but my soul argues that God is bigger than wait list numbers. 

The last few weeks have been especially heavy on my heart  for some reason. 

Being in a hurry for an international adoption is cause for concern (as children available too quickly should raise red flags & I don't want to take a child out of their environment/country/etc unless they truly need it) but I think my soul is growing weary. I started praying for this almost 5 years ago. And it has been a roller coaster - just as we had been warned might happen :) 

It is hard to know just how much a heart can take, and yet I know that no matter the wait, with Jesus in my heart I will be able to do it. I have faith in his timing, as so far looking back, he has blessed us far more through this journey already, than we could imagine (and we haven't even gotten to the best part yet!).

And yet, as I said before, I think that God is bigger than our "estimates" and "wait lists".
That there is a child that is meant to fill the hole in our family.
I don't want to ask for prayers for the wait to move quickly (because that means that that there are too many children who are in orphanages waiting for families), but for that hole to be filled much sooner because just the right child needs us (as we need them).
(It probably doesn't help that a few days ago Elle started asking about a "little brudder". Bless her heart!)

This prayer of Jesus, while his circumstances were far worse, gives me courage to still pray boldly for this wait to be over...
"My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." 

Waiting, Waiting

How often can you give an update that "we are still waiting" :)

We recently completed an updated home study (our 4th), paid some more fees (I am not even bothering to keep track anymore), finalized our transfer to our new agency, updated immigration paperwork, got fingerprinted for the 4th time, and Nate renewed his passport since it was set to expire this year.

I will just share my thoughts on part of a conversation with someone at our new agency:
"Now that you have your daughter, have your feelings about adoption changed, and are you still dedicated to it?"
I wanted to scream in to the phone how the idea of this adoption hurts more than ever and my heart aches to hold,comfort,love, and hopefully be loved, by this new child.
That the wait is agonizing.
That experiencing the birth and bond with our daughter made me realize how much a birthmother is sacrificing.
That after realizing how quickly we bonded, the idea of someone else raising my daughter made me crumble. The idea of how traumatized she would be wondering where her mom was: and yet knowing that our adoptive child would have gone through exactly that.
That at every stage of our daughter's life, I have compared and thought about another child going through their life with no family, hitting those milestones with nobody there who really appreciated and loved them.
That on the many nights I sneak in to my daughter's room and watch her sleep, a part of me slips away to an orphanage somewhere: imaging a child sleeping with nobody bothering to check on them.
That every time she has cried for me when I left the room, I could tell her that I was coming back: and literally every time I spoke those words of assurance, I would grieve for the child whose parent didn't come back.

The blessing of our daughter is so much more than just the joy of having her in our family: it has given me a whole new perspective of adoption. So now, more than ever, do I want to wrap my arms around a little one and be able to tell them "mama's here".


please pray that our adoption will continue to move along - our new agency is warning us that there is a possibility that colombia may yet make us go on hold (we were supposed to when our daughter was born, and didn't even though we reported it) if we do not go on hold : there is a chance we could see a referral this year. God, may it be, but may we have patience to wait if that is your plan.

For Colombia, we wait.

We are sticking the course.
To our future family in Colombia: we aren't giving up yet. Why? God hasn't told us to yet.

I know that there are people who are screaming at their computer: just give up already! Maybe this isn't meant to be. Just do something else..
I have been in your shoes, I have made my own judgements/assumptions when I thought I knew better how someone should be living their life, or the choices they should make. But the honest truth is, we don't know. I don't know how God is working your life, so whatever decisions you make: I have to trust that you are doing them with God's guidance.
And I can tell you with honest excitement that God is asking us to wait. We honestly feel like God hasn't told us to stop, and the cues we have gotten so far leading up to this have told us that this is where we need to be. So until there is a real roadblock, we will trust in God's timing.

So we are continuing: Filling out more paperwork with a new agency, updating homestudies, fingerprints, and all the other meaningless paperwork the governments ask us to do (seriously: my fingerprints haven't changed from the last 4 times we did this...)

Here is my biggest prayer request to go along with this update: pray for patience (this is my biggest struggle) as we are approaching 4-DIGIT wait list days.
Pray that we can try every day to take our hands off the steering wheel and let God take control. When we did this in the beginning of this journey, we saw some powerful stuff. The longer we wait the harder it is to try to not take control. I don't want to miss God's ending: He does some of the most amazing work :)

Transition

We are in a time of adoption transition.
Bethany will no longer be conducting adoptions in Colombia. (They are partnering with another agency, and we can transfer to that agency and continue on)

This comes at a time where we are also considering what our adoption process is supposed to look like now. There are less infants available for adoption in Colombia than there was when we started this process, and the wait for us (if Colombia continues to stay open) will likely be years..

It is hard to say that you are considering "jumping ship". We knew there would be ups and downs, delays, but we honestly were not expecting this long. Our desires for adoption have not changed, if we decide to leave Colombia, it will be for another program. The hard part is, do we trust God's timing and continue to follow the path we felt called to in the beginning of this process, or do we fulfill our desires for another child and pursue an avenue that might bring us one sooner.

I don't want to leave Colombia. The culture, the connections, the call we first felt there... I am not sure we will leave. But the wait is hard. I honestly think the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought that a year would be hard, and now we have been waiting for three, with more to go.

And today, I am looking at the waiting children profiles, and my heart is melting. Seriously friends, if you could just see their faces: you would be signing up for a home study without caring if your case worker will see your bed unmade.

So this is a plea for prayers so we know what God wants us to do, and a plea for anyone considering adoption or foster care : fill out the preliminary application and see these children's faces, you will not regret it :)

Little Progress

We finally got another wait list update:  #927 on July 3. 

This.is.taking.for.ev.er....

Wait Milestone

We crossed a new milestone: we are now in the three digit numbers! As of March 14, we were number 994.
That was two months ago almost now but our local adoption team just got that info last week. It isn't a big move, but we are happy to be this far :)

Are you still adopting?

I know it has been. for.ever. since I have updated. But yes, we are still fighting.

For awhile now, we have been in limbo, so it has been hard to know what to update: We learned a few months ago that our agency was unable to renew their accreditation in Colombia. We were given the option to wait while they work to try to get it back, or request to be transferred to a different agency. So far we are waiting. We believe in what Bethany is doing, and have met some amazing people there.
We are not expecting any [further] delays because of this issue, but we have felt "in the dark" about what is going on in regards to our case and the stability of the adoption program in Colombia.
The last update we were able to receive about our case number is that on February 5, we were number 1028 on the wait list. It has been communicated to us that this list is for all families waiting through ICBF, for any age range. So it is hard to tell where we really stand as far as time to go. The most recent estimation we got from another agency is possibly another two years.
thud.
That was my heart just stopping. I hate that word : years.

Have we thought about other options? Yes, but we haven't felt the push to follow them yet. Which makes this stillness so so hard. We want progress, we want updates, we want the call, we want a name, we want to see that first picture.

Almost four years ago we started this journey. Four years ago a child we never met weighed on our hearts. Four years ago we started praying for this.
We are tired of waiting. But we aren't giving up. We will fight through the speed bumps, and we will not stop until there is a road block in Colombia. Our only alternative: maybe some day we will have to adopt another way. But maybe not. And it doesn't matter, because we believe the outcome is what matters.

At the end of it all, there is a child waiting for us.

That does not weigh lightly on my soul.
Please. Pray with me. For this child, and for the hole we feel until they fill it.